| Sapphire's Diary
Another sound check says there is no activity upstairs. Latasha must be fast asleep. She and I made a love pact to never go to bed angry with one another. I'm hoping this is still being honored on her part. We also agreed even if we were mad at the world that we would not go to bed angry. If one of us had a bad day, we would stay up and talk it out until we felt better.
Against my better judgment, I decide to delay heading upstairs; instead I retrieve the Mary's Little Lamb journal given to me by Perry Rogers. Hopefully, the hardbound journal might give me a clue as to where Sapphire Jenkins could be. It's doubtful.
The early scribbles in the journal don't amount to much. The first writing in the journal or diary is a four line poem. After that, the writings are a mix of narratives and poems:
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
My mommy is dead.
Sorry I killed you.
~~~~~~~
I like the way we used to play together when it was just us. Mommy used to make funny faces to make us laugh. Gerald would laugh too.
Mommy would take us to McDonald's and let us play on the rides. And she bought us toys.
~~~~~~~
Mommy
Mommy is what all the other girls call their mother For you I call you Mary . . . like a friend or a passing stranger
"Mommy" comes to the school during parent-teacher day
"Mommy" does not work all night and can't be reached by the day
Most of all "mommy" knows who daddy is
I can't be like all the other girls in my class . . . I do not know who my dad is and my "Mommy" is called "Mary"
~~~~~~~
Traces of Neckties
Sometimes I sit and wonder if that man coming from Mary's bedroom is my father, I have his eyes
But then the next night, it is a different man same time, I look and I have his nose
I can't help but to explore each man that exits my mother's bedroom to check and see if I look enough like him to be his little girl
I wonder why all these guys come over with their shinny suits and colorful neckties
These men must be rich because even their shoes are shinny
John always wears a red necktie with purple spots when he comes over
Nathan's neckties always match the color of his shirt
Some guys that came over wore big baggy pants and oversized t-shirts
I would dress these guys in suits and my own favorite neckties
I often wish that one day one of these neckties would stay and be our daddy, but the neckties are always gone by morning
~~~~~~~
My two-timing Heart
Mary, sometimes I miss you
The way we used to listen to hip-hop music while we cleaned the house
I miss hanging out late on the front porch with Gerald and our friends
The way Gerald and I got to eat junk food in our rooms on the weekends Mary, sometimes I hate you
The way we had to walk everywhere in the rain, sun or snow
The way men come, go, and come back again only to go again
The way you treated the best man ever, Perry
~~~~~~~
Gerald is still peeing the bed. I told him he can stop now. I told him that red necktie with purple spots would not mess with him again. That's when Gerald starting peeing on himself. Gerald told me when red necktie with purple spots would come over and after Mary would fall asleep, he would go in Gerald's room and get in the bed with him. He would mess with Gerald's private. He would put a pillow over Gerald's face and told him he would smother him if he cried or told anybody.
When Gerald peed his bed, red necktie with purple spots would get mad and he wouldn't get in the bed with him. I told Gerald he doesn't have to pee in his bed anymore because Perry isn't like red necktie with purple spots.
~~~~~~~
Every Sunday, Perry gets Gerald and me up to go to church. I like church, especially Sunday school. I always win the prizes for the bible quiz. There are 66 books in the bible. The first is Genesis and the last is Revelations. The shortest verse in the bible is Jesus wept. The shortest book in the bible is Habakkuk it has two chapters.
Perry likes listening to jazz music. I like it too. He listens to other types of music like old school stuff.
~~~~~~~
Perry was drinking wine, crying and singing tonight. He was crying really hard. He was playing this one song over and over again on the CD player. The one that says I'm in love with Mary Jane. He sung that song over and over. I felt bad for him, so when he fell asleep on the couch I laid down next to him to make him feel better.
~~~~~~~
People keep calling me Mary's little lamb. They say I have her eyes, her thighs and her fast ways. Perry's mommy says I'm going to be hot in the butt just like Mary. She says I'm going to be blown up before I'm grown up. Talking about I'm going to be pregnant before I get out of high school. She don't know me.
~~~~~~~
My name is Sapphire
I am a precious jewel
Because my name says I am
Because my mother told me so
~~~~~~~
My favorites:
Color: Blue, like a Sapphire gem
Food: French-Fries with tartar sauce
Gear: Butta Phat, they make me look "ta dow."
Lipstick: Bubble gum red lip-gloss
Music: Gospel, Rap and Jazz
Singers: Kurt Carr Singers, Maze and BLYSS, Nelly and P. Jelly
~~~~~~~
First Time Visitor
I started bleeding real bad at school today. I had this real bad pain then blood came from between my legs. I was scared. I thought I was going to die.
Then this girl name Tanya started laughing and telling everybody. I was pissed off that I had messed up a new pair of Butta Phat jeans, then Tanya gonna crack jokes, hell naw. I had to squash that, so I kicked her butt. Yep, bleeding and all. I beat her butt so bad; her mama should have felt that pain in her womb.
First they sent me to the principal's office, and then they sent me to the nurse. The nurse gave me some pads to put in my panties, which was all bloody like my jeans. The principal called Perry who left work to come and get me. Perry was all-uptight about the whole deal. We went home and he called his mama to come over.
She started telling me about this monthly visitor. I'm like who the hell she talking about. She told me this bleeding thing is going to happen every month. She said it was because of something Eve did back in the day.
For a week I puked every morning. Perry stayed home from work and cooked me chicken noodle soup. I love Perry.
Two months after my period is when Vanessa showed up. She said she wanna try and get to know me. She said she wanna be my friend. It ain't gonna happen.
~~~~~~~
Yes, I remember you Miss Vanessa. You were over Perry's house when we came over. That was the time Mary and Smoke got into a fight.
Yes, I remember you Miss Vanessa - - that you were the one who left and we spent the night.
Yes I know you Miss Vanessa. I know that you ain't going to be my step mommy. The only steppin going on here is you out the door.
~~~~~~~
The Perry is mine.
I don't know what he was thinking when he met you
Maybe he is only lonely . . . or crazy
You can't even know him, like I know him
I know what he likes to eat in the mornings
I know how he likes his clothes ironed
Do you even know his favorite bottle of wine?
I know the scent of his Sunday cologne
Do you even know which section of the paper he reads first?
Are you here to take all his money and run us off?
I guess you do not know how much he loves me . . . I am the very next thing to Mary
Do you even know how to rub his back . . . when he is stressed?
I guess you don't know my Perry like you think you do
~~~~~~~
Vanessa picked me up from the mall today. She saw me talking to Dollar Bill. When I got in the car she started giving me the whole drill about he ain't good for me. Then she went so far to say that Dollar is gay. She said that she knows his grandmother and that she goes to our church. I don't know if I want to believe her or she just trying to take another man away from me.
~~~~~~~
Perry loves me. Whatever I hint at he will get it for me. He treated Mary the same way and now he does it for me. When the latest Butta Phat gear comes out, I'm in it. At first he says no, because he says that the clothes fit me too tight. I tell him, they fit just right. He tells me I look more and more like my mother every day. I know that is a good thing. I can tell by the smile on his face when he looks at me.
Some times it is almost too easy to get what it is I want from Perry. All I have to do is give him a little pout. I don't like using him like that, but I gots to get mine. That is one thing Mary always did. She always got what she wanted. Are we spoiled? Not at all. God blesses the child who's got her own. You know? For everything Perry gives me, I give my love back to him. Mary would want it that way.
~~~~~~~
Sapphire Love
Love - a small word
How can such a small word bring so much pain for one soul?
No one can give you the exact meaning of love.
But everyone knows when they are in love
What happens when one thinks he is in love?
Will the love last?
Will the love cost you everlasting pain of the heart that you can feel the emptiness in your soul? –
~~~~~~~
Explode
I can't help myself
Loving you all through out the day in my mind
Dreaming of making slow love to you
I can't help myself . . . my thoughts, my wondering, and my daydreaming
I feel like I am going to explode on the inside –
~~~~~~~
Thinking of You
I have tried to get you out of my mind but every time I try, my thoughts are with you or of you
I sit and think of you often. You should not be in my mind, but I can't go a day without seeing you or thinking of you
I need to be with you to express my deep thoughts and my true feelings for you
I have a desire to have you in my arms to express my love for you
To show you how much I love you
I am always thinking of you. –
~~~~~~~
Today Mr. Patterson, my eighth grade art teacher showed me one of his drawings of a naked woman sitting balled up in a corner. He called it "Another Stressful Day." He asked me to write how I felt about the picture. I wrote a poem. I call it, "I Bet You Don't Know."
I Bet You Don't Know
That the man you love
Is the man that you hate
I Bet You Don't Know
That the man you are crying for
Is the man you don't even know
I Bet You Don't Know
That the man who gave you your first baby
Is the man that is gone.
~~~~~~~
What it is I see of me
Fragments of my history,
Remnants of reality,
Clues of what I am yet to be
Perhaps leading towards my destiny.
Mirror with your reflection of me
Show something more than eyes can see
I look through you and into me.
Looking from the inside out
What makes me laugh
What makes me shout
What is being me all about?
Mirror, mirror explore my pain
Scattered in the crevices of my brain
Under wounds that rupture
Again and again.
Show me the dam of my uncried tears
That built itself over many years.
Surrounded by the fortress
Of my hidden fears.
Beyond the shackles of flesh and skin.
God's infinite wisdom is the peace within
That empowers my spirit
As my new now begins!
~~~~~~~
Sweet Honey Brown
I taste as sweet as honey and my skin has that sweet honey glow
Men, young and old desire me at the first glance of me
Young, sweet and tender . . . that is how they like it
They all desire a sample . . . you see, they can't control themselves when they see the thickness of my thighs
36-25-40 . . . no this is not the combination to my locker . . . but the design of a perfect woman
No woman young or old can touch me . . . I can capture a man's mind and pocket with one hip action
Rockin' "Butta Phat" jeans in which I put the BUTT in Butta . . . and the PHAT in all the right places–
~~~~~~~
You Is
Where your focus needs to be.
But you are too busy
Watching and judging me
Do you know
What you really see?
It's yourSelf reflecting back at you
From the light surrounding me.
Cause truth is bigger
Than our eyes can see.
It is the sum total of our ancestry.
The fruit that ripened
On my family tree,
Lives now in the spirit
That now lives as me.
You are what you are to be.
But God had another idea
When He created me.
So stop your judging eyes
From wandering all over me.
Cause you is
Where your focus needs to be.
~~~~~~~
My Dawg
They think you are crazy, insane and sometimes deranged. They say you will pop off like a firecracker
They don't know the pain you keep bottled up inside causing explosions of anger and even rage.
They, the self-righteous ones, all are outsiders looking in making judgment calls
Only you and I know the true pain that a brother and sister share
They want to call you mad dog cause they think you are little "off" in the head
I know the real you . . . the caring and sensitive side of you . . . the little boy yearning for his mother
You are my dawg . . . mad you are not . . . maybe misunderstood. I call you my dawg because you protect me against all the stray dogs that are trying to attack me.
~~~~~~~
I love my little brother Gerald. I will always love him and take care of him. He will always protect me. Like when the bus driver felt my breasts, I told Gerald. Gerald kicked his ass and bit his ear off. Gerald is my boo when I need someone to talk with, even though he doesn't say much. That's my dawg when I need someone vicious to protect me.
~~~~~~~
$Bill thinks he's a player and a pimp. While he thinks he's playing me, I'm pimping him. He calls me a juvie, saying I'm jailbait.
~~~~~~~
When I was needing someone
When I was needing someone
You were only a phone call away
I thought it was the end of time for me, but you were there to reassure me that the pain I was feeling would soon fade away with time
You were there when I needed to reach out and talk to someone and to feel loved
You sat there and rubbed my back while listening to all my problems without judging me
You sat there and explained what love means in such a way that it made me cry, but they were tears of happiness
When I needed someone you are always there for me –
~~~~~~~
Mind Pimp
Men are simple by nature in their quest for a woman
They have the game all figured out
The challenge of a woman's mind is just another street fighter game
Win some . . . lose some . . . may the best man win and make it to round two
Mack daddy wannabe . . . pimp . . . playah . . . hustler
Yes you got this game on lock, so I let you think
Simple one . . . didn't you know that women wrote this book titled "Da Game" and did you think we would put all our blueprints on paper
So go ahead . . . you are da man . . . pimp on
Just remember I am not a pimp . . . I only pimp your emotions
~~~~~~~
$Bill's grandmother does go to our church and she stood up in church on Sunday and testified about her grandson who likes boys as much as he likes girls and she asked the church to pray for him. I'm like; he can't even kiss me any more.
~~~~~~~
Brook is a spoiled mixed up girl. She is mixed in other ways too. Her mother is white and her father is black. They divorced. Her moms work two jobs and she's not around much. When her moms is around, she's has her boyfriend with her. Brook doesn't like him.
The kids in school call her a wigger, because they say she is whiter than she wanna be and wanna be black. The black guys like her cause she got booty like a black girl . . . but she can't touch the Butta Phat. White guys buy her lunch and give her gifts and she asked me what should she do, who should she pick. I told her, just cause you have a dog that licks your toes; don't mean you have to keep him. Cause a dog will lick anything and everything. I read that in this book "How to train the Dog in your Black man."
Brook is my girl tho. She tries to hang with me when she can. Her mom is real strict and keeps her on the lock down. When she can't get out or talk on the phone, we use IM that's "instant messaging" on the computer.
Sometimes we go into online teen chat rooms. There are some real pervs out there. Guys wanting to get with a young girl are always hitting on us. They pretend to be boys, but we bust them all the time. They will IM us, inviting us into private chat rooms. Brook and me never go into a chat room without the other knowing. We laugh about the sick stuff these guys type. Then there are these guys who try to claim they can do stuff for you.
Like Brook met this guy who said he could get her on a P. Jelly video. I told her don't believe it. I think she was falling for his lies. All I could do was tell her to be careful.
~~~~~~~
Family Pains
You once had a family that was together, but the family fell apart
Now it is hard on your mother to try to make it work out
You really don't have that chance to be that carefree child
You must grow up quickly to help around the house, to try to make it easier on Mary
You learn to take care of yourself
Your mother works two and three jobs so we can have somewhat nice things . . . so there are not extra minutes in the day for you
Your father is not around causing you not to know how to react to males
Your mom meets another man and now there are more problems adjusting to the new changes
Sometimes family pains are too hard to bear and too complex to try to understand
~~~~~~~
It's 12:15 a.m. My eyelids and heart are heavy. A good night's sleep is just what I need to refresh myself. The light is on in the bedroom, though Latasha appears to have fallen to sleep. Her back is to my side of the bed. At least I will have the opportunity to spoon cuddle up to her. A quick shower and I'm ready for bed. I turn off the light and climb in.
Latasha's hair smells of her perfume. She sometimes sprays perfume in her hairbrush, then brushes her hair before we go out on a date or just before bed. I put my arm around my lovely wife pulling her closer to me and take a deep breath to pull her lovely fragrance inside of me. "ahhhhh." I quietly exhaled.
"Mick, . . . we need to talk." Latasha alerts me.
If you must know, we didn't stop talking until around 3:45 a.m. As it turns out, one of Latasha's friends is going through a separation, possible divorce. The reason for the separation was sex addiction on the husband's part. Why did that cause Latasha worry? The first sign of the addiction according to the friend and wife was the husband's obsession with music videos with half naked girls in them. It was a short jump from the music videos to porno videos. From the porno videos, the husband moved to online computer pornography and chat room sexual affairs to the actual sex with a neighbor.
Latasha feared that the sex addiction disease had infected her son and possibly me. When I tried to convince her that she had nothing to worry about, that my watching the videos last night was not going to be a habitual occurrence, Latasha met every one of my defenses with a counter point.
"Honey, you know that I don't have any interest in watching that sort of thing," I attempted to assure her.
"Oh yeah? What about you watching Soul Train every weekend?"
"What? That's . . . that's." In good conscience I couldn't deny that part of the appeal of the music dance showcase was the female dancers. "Okay, but I don't just look at it for the women on there. I've been watching that show for forever."
"That's what I'm worried about."
"Baby, as long as I have you, I don't need anyone else. I love your mind, body and sweet spirit. No video girl or anyone else, for that matter, can make me take my eyes off of you. Do you hear me?"
"I hear you."
"No, that was the wrong question. Do you believe me?"
Her initial noncommittal look warmed to a gaze of devotion. Latasha cupped my face in both her hands and gave me my answer with a moist kiss. Normally we would have consummated our agreement with a sensual love making session. Under the circumstances and the nature of the discussion, I didn't want to initiate it. Instead, we resumed our spoon cuddle position, with my arm wrapped around Latasha, with her hands on mine. I love my wife.
~~~~~~~
What it is I see of me
Copyright ã 2001 Valerie Respress
If and You Is
Copyright ã 2000 Valerie Respress
Sweet Honey Brown, Mommy, Traces of Neckties, My Two-timing Heart, My Dawg, Love, Explode, Thinking of you, The Perry is Mine, When I was needing someone, Mind Pimp, Family Pain and Sapphire.
Copyright ã 2002 Uyladia "Ladi" Jarmon
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